You're Not Your Mom
by PortalPanda
Summary: Contains spoilers for the Steven Universe: Wanted special. Connie is relieved to have Steven home safe, but someone has to make him understand this. Angsty Steven x Connie drabble.


Connie lie flat on her back on the sand, listening to the soft roar of the waves as she looked up at the stars. She should really be sleeping- actually, there were a lot of things she should probably be doing instead of laying here on the beach- but there had been so much emotion and excitement after Steven's return, that, well… she didn't want to leave, but she felt like she was in the way. Intruding. The Gems and Greg deserved some time alone with Steven, he needed some time to rest, and she needed some time to think. So she'd gone out to the beach.

The stars were out in full force, a glittering sea of diamonds (nope, nope, nope, she cringed, bad word choice) that held her gaze as her mind tossed and turned, mulling over everything that had happened in the past few days.

 _Here comes a thought..._

Steven had been up there.

And he almost hadn't come back.

Connie knows she's tired. She's only gotten a few hours of sleep in the days that Steven has been gone, and even those hadn't been restful- they'd been filled with nightmares of what was going to happen, what might be happening right then, to Steven. But what Connie didn't realize was just _how_ tired she was: tired enough not to hear the footsteps behind her on the sand.

"Are you okay?"

The sound of _his voice_ , soft and gentle and concerned, nearly brings tears to her eyes: she had thought she would never hear that voice again.

But really, she should be asking him that.

And he should be sleeping.

"Steven... I'm…" A small huff of laughter escapes her lips as she looks up at him (she's just so relieved that he's _safe_ ), and she can't get over how _small_ and _tired_ he looks as he stands there wringing his hands, his eyes full of nervous guilt, a kid carrying the weight of an intergalactic war on his shoulders. She looks away. "I thought you were- That they were going to-" She wraps her arms around her knees, physically trying to pull herself together, to make herself as small as possible as her voice catches somewhere in her throat. "I thought I was never going to see you again."

He settles beside her on the sand, a worried (or was that guilty?) frown on his face as he tentatively leans against her side, his face tinging pink as he allows his head to rest gently on her shoulder.

Connie is trying really hard not to cry.

She had really thought he was gone for good. Once when the gems had sent her back to the temple to rest, she had sat out on the beach and cried her eyes out as she remembered all the afternoons they spent here together, reading and laughing and singing, everything from their first meeting to their first fusion (Stevonnie was gone too, wasn't she? She would die with Steven). And the worst part was that they had spent so much _more_ time together, she knew it, there was so much more that she _couldn't_ remember, seemingly trivial things she had taken for granted at the time, and now these were the only memories she had. Those memories were all she had left of him, and she would never make any more.

"Connie-"

"No."

She already knows what he's going to say.

His expression is hurt as she pulls away, scooting backwards on the sand so he's close enough to see but too far to touch.

"Steven," Connie takes a deep breath, steadying herself. "I'm _so glad you're okay._ "

He manages a small smile at that.

"And maybe I- I shouldn't be…. but I'm… I'm mad at you, too."

Steven is more than a little surprised, though he doesn't know why.

"What?"

She frowns.

"Back when I started training with Pearl… you hated all that stuff she told me about self sacrifice, about how I didn't matter. You were _horrified_ when found out that she…" Connie grimaces at the sand, "She used herself as a _human shield_. For Rose. For you. Her legacy. Nothing was more important to her than laying down her life in the name of your mother. She wanted me to do the same thing, and you told her that was _wrong_. You _believed_ that was wrong." She glares up at him with a fierceness she didn't know she had, a fierceness that's built up over nearly five days of thinking he was dead, and her voice matches. "But that's _exactly_ what you just did!" She can't tell whether Steven is hurt or angry. "You said that you and I were a team, that when the time came for us to fight we were going to fight together, but you didn't even _try_ to fight on that ship! You didn't even let me _try_ to help! You just _quit_! You just decided you could magically fix everything alone by turning yourself into a human shield and taking the blame for something you didn't even do! Something that wasn't even your fault!"

She's made him angry now.

"Because it _is_ my fault, Connie! Don't you see that?" Tears prick the corners of his eyes and Connie can't decide which is worse, the fact that Steven _actually believes_ what he's saying, or that he's yelling at her. "Those Gems abducted _my_ friends because _I_ gave their names to Peridot, who was here trying to destroy the Earth because the Diamonds thought _my_ mom shattered Pink Diamond!"

"But it doesn't _matter_ whether or not your mom shattered Pink Diamond, because _you aren't your mom!_ "

Connie's voice has risen in volume to match his, and what she says echos across the beach as if the ocean itself is trying to emphasize her point. Steven looks hurt and half hysterical, tears streak down his face, his hands are still clenched into fists but now they're shaking. She doesn't care. He needs to hear this- someone has to get this across to him.

"You have _no_ control over what Rose did or didn't do! Her mistakes are _not_ your mistakes! It's not your _job_ to fix them because they _aren't your fault!_ "

" _Yes they are!"_

" _No they're not!"_

" _I have her gem!"_

" _And I have her sword!"_ Steven frowns as Connie throws her arms in the air. "If she used _my_ sword to shatter Pink Diamond, couldn't _I_ just as easily take the blame for what she did?"

He shakes his head.

"That's not the same thing!"

"What about the Gems? You don't think they were there when it happened? You think they didn't help your mom, _their_ leader do what she did to save _their_ planet? You think they tried to _stop_ her? They could take the blame for this, too!"

"But they aren't the ones that did it!"

He's covered his ears with his hands and Connie yanks them away, covering them with her own.

"And neither are you!"

Once again her voice carries out across the ocean, and she pauses for a second in an attempt to calm down. She doesn't want to yell at him. She isn't trying to hurt Steven, or upset him, she just wants to make him understand. He has to understand this.

He makes a half hearted attempt to pull away from her though angry tears, but she doesn't let him.

Now her voice is much more gentle.

"Steven, you are not Rose Quartz. It doesn't matter if she shattered Pink Diamond, or bubbled Bismuth away, or lied to the Gems. You didn't, because you're not her." She releases one of his hands to cup the side of his face, forcing him to meet her eyes. His are full of pain, and, much to his surprise, hers are full of love. "You're you. You're _Steven_." Now she's crying too, but she punctuates it with a weak laugh. "You're a fourteen year old kid. You like cookie cats, and fry bits, and playing music, and dancing, and watching sunsets on the beach, and making people laugh. You're a Crystal Gem. You love to help people. You help _everyone_. You've helped _me_." She squeezes his hand, hard, and he squeezes back, laughing weakly through the tears. "You're my _only friend_ , Steven. You're your Dad's _only kid_." At that his breath hitches, and he tries to turn away but Connie doesn't let him. He needs to hear this. He needs to face this. "You almost lost all of that. You almost threw it all away blaming yourself for something _you didn't even do._ " Steven swallows. "Did you even stop to think what would _happen_ to us- what we would _do-_ if-if-" Connie rests her forehead against his, much like she'd done the night they first fused. Tears streak down her face. Her hands tremble in his. "We almost _lost_ you, Steven. _I_ almost lost you."

He slumps against her, his head resting on her shoulder once again as he takes a deep breath, attempting to steady himself. Between all the crying, and running, and worrying he's done over the past few days, he's exhausted.

"I'm sorry." He says softly. "I didn't- I just wanted to help. I just wanted to fix everything, and I thought- that was the only way. The Gems… they always wanted me to be more like her." Suddenly he feels small. "Isn't it my job to finish what she started? To fix everything?"

Steven closes his eyes as Connie's head comes to rest atop his. Their fingers gently intertwine. He could fall asleep like this.

"Did you really think that getting yourself killed was _going_ to fix everything?"

His eyes snap open.

"I-"

He did.

He had.

"I don't know."

Steven now forgos all statutes of common courtesy and flops over across her lap. Connie gives a surprised little laugh and he hopes he doesn't seem rude- this isn't something he would normally do- it's just that (whether it's from emotional or physical fatigue) sitting up has suddenly become too much work.

Also, she's right, of course. Steven looks around as best he can despite the darkness and his position facing the ocean. He can still see the temple. The Big Doughnut. A little bit of the boardwalk in the distance… For awhile there he really thought… he would never see any of it again. He had almost lost everything. His home, his family, his friends… her…

He'd thought for certain that what he did was the right thing- the only solution. But maybe… Maybe it wasn't. Maybe there was another way.

"Steven," Her voice is affectionate as she gently runs a hand through his hair. "You protect Beach City and the rest of the Earth just by being you. You help people wherever you go, whether it's making them smile, or singing them a song, or giving them a hug. You show everyone you meet that they matter. That's your job. That's your destiny. It's the only thing you have any control over, and it's the only thing you have any right to take blame for." He looks up at her when her voice becomes serious. "Steven, I don't care whether or not your mom killed Pink Diamond, but don't you _dare_ let her kill you." She squeezes his hand, hard. "We need you. I need you."

There are tears in his eyes once again, but for a very different reason.

"Thanks, Connie."

Steven falls asleep in her lap, completely at peace.


End file.
